Pink Moon/There's Nothing Wrong with...

Spontaneity, yes; uncertainty, no. My whole body rejects uncertainty, my mind doesn't know how to process it or where to put it. I need a plan so much that often I find I've made too much of a plan and I want to rebel and take back control of my time. Finish college, get job, then? uncertainty. What job I had never seemed all that relevant. Now that my job has become most of what's relevant in my life, I've realized I should have put a little more thought into it. or maybe a little less into doing it. So, I shrugged off the big responsibility of running the gardens and took on a new job with the Sundance Film Festival running the volunteer program. I'll be starting next week, and I'm hoping it will be a welcome and refreshing change.

Change, though, involves lots of uncertainty. I'm not quite sure how I feel about the whole thing. At the same time, as I've started to come undone from the shackles of my job, I've found new friends, rediscovered old ones and actually had time to spend with them. This is where spontaneity, wonderfully and fully, has played a fabulous role in helping me to give up my need for control and a plan. Creating something to look forward to and think about that isn't work. Unfortunately, I'm still waiting for my glorious embrace of spontaneous fun to spill over so I might gloriously embrace a future filled with unknowns.

A future full of unknowns scares me and makes me sick to my stomach. I'm not saying it's normal, but I'll also admit that it is pretty fun. I don't want to use that whole roller coaster analogy here, however it's surprising in reflecting on how I'm feeling that people might be right on with that one. There is something really exciting about being utterly and completely confused, nervous and not in control. Maybe it's good to shake things up completely once in awhile, to be this bonkers, and to let uncertainty keep me up at night. Though I hate uncertainty, I don't think I ever knew it could be this good.