Lolita, Charlotte and Abbey

Three little ten year old boys filled the hidden corner of the store, lying in a messy pile of merchandise. Splayed around them were books they had rejected and now they sat, silently perusing their piles. Reading actual kid-targeted novels. There I was, also, at 10pm on a Saturday night, wishing I had a corner to lie in as I stepped over the woman sitting in the isle. Barnes and Noble, somehow managed to make a bookstore and books popular. When there is an entire universe of free printed material available on the web, people still come out of their homes, away from their computers and head - not to the free libraries - but to the bookstores - even just to sit on the floor. The music industry should take notice and stop worrying about pirates. That's another tangent in itself.

I must say, it is refreshingly hopeful to reflect on the popularity of the printed word. The millions of people writing - in web logs or at their websites, and the people reading. Of course the corner bookstore could use our business much more than the book giant, but repopularizing reading is something the small bookstores never achieved. Can places like Barnes and Noble really take credit? Whatever the cause, it's interesting to see reading as a social activity. People come with friends, come to meet friends, or make it a destination, a place to get out and be social. Anyway, I'm not really seeing the point here - cept to say that I like bookstores. I'm glad to see society supporting writers, but I really just like the feel of it all. I'm hoping to get started on Reading Lolita in Tehran soon, and then I'd really like to read I am Charlotte Sims. And you know how I figured out what I'd like to read these books, as opposed to the bunches of other books in the store ? - by reading about them in various periodicals. Reading about reading. crazy, however, something about it excites me. Before I finish my current book and move on, I'll have to stop having such wonderful visitors as my step sister Natalie, and my upcoming visit from three of my cousins - it may be somewhat country/city mouse ish - but we shall see.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving around here (because it's when the cousins and natalie's husband arrive - making it enough people to warrant turkey cookin). I made pies. Tomorrow I will cook turkey. That will be more than enough domesticity for the month. Right now, I'm just amazed I cooked pies, we'll see if anything is actually good when we eat.

Today's Song: You Never Give Me Your Money, Abbey Road, Beatles
usually, I try not to explain the song of the day, although it's the most telling of my thoughts or relates to something I did. For example, the last Beatle's song appeared in a dream of mine. This one, however, has played both times in the past week that I've been to Barnes and Noble, and I like it so much (I really just like theBeatles so much - but this son's especially nice) that it makes me stop walking and I can't concentrate on the books. Plus, it also seems to be quite fitting with my current situation.

thanks in order

Seems I've spent the last month honing a new talent in displeasure. While not only isolating the negatives of my current situation, I've also found new and innovative ways to explore and create unhappiness. Naturally, I should probably follow by saying now that this blog is some kind of denial ending confessional in which I will turn over a new leaf. By the way, I despise the word blog.

I think I'll continue to be honest with myself, and choose to learn. While I haven't had a banner week, in fact, I've found it tough to write here because I don't like glazing over my true feelings. Writing for random readers on the internet also isn't a venue where I'm eager to bare my soul. Fortunately, a Thanksgiving has come to save me from divulging anything and reminded me of the power of perspective.

Above all else, I am thankful for having a sense of the value of the meaningful bits of life - and ever grateful for possessing such, which I define as relationships. So gratitude is in order for relationships: my family, for the people who have been and are friends, for the relationship I have with faith, beliefs and hope, with a good book or a good view, with thought. Thankful for my limited but existent knowledge of choice, of existence, and of joy. Possessions might be nice, but even they would have no meaning without some capacity to appreciate them (even utilizing them is in some way appreciating them tacitly). More importantly, they would be lesser, as would people, without one's ability to relate to them. In the end, I guess I realize, I'm most thankful for the ability to be grateful. So let it be - a Happy holiday.

Reverie for Rivalry

Dark by 4pm, the pathetic fallacy of Lehigh's loss. The sky mourns more than football. Here in one of my favorite buildings in the world - Linderman Library - I sit looking out the stone bordered window panes to the bare trees turned into black sillohettes by the evening light. The flag slowly waves in a shaft of light from below. The white pole and bold reds and whites don't fit in the somber scene, or with the warmth of the wood panels surrounding me here. Am I the sobering dark, cold autumn day? The bold awkward flag? The wise enveloping wood? or simply the window. Where do I fit on this campus? A year that would be my senior, and yet I am senior in life to the students here - fully employed in the infamous "real" world. I don't know what to say anymore to people who ask how I like my job. I don't know how to tell them what I spend my spare time doing, it's more to be said in simple conversations. Sometimes, I don't know why I come back. Except that somehing here feels like home. Fun can be created anywhere. Friends can be relocated and contacted throughout the world. But the wood, the windows, the view - it's wholistic. Still the setting for some of my dreams at night, or the wanderings of my mind - it is tough to realize how long this place will stick with me. How very long I will miss those day. It cannot be recreated. Coming back, it will always be less than it once was. Hopefully, I will be more. But for now - I remain a little disillusioned by my displacement in a distant working world. For the first time since I've been here, I have heard the bells from the University Center Tower ring on the hour. 5pm.


Today's Song: I Will, Beatles White Album

Cut with Carmine

Carmine, the 60(ish) year old man who cut my hair can be credited with the only accomplishment of the weekend. I set out with lofty goals to clean the apartment, maybe find some Christmas gifts or cards, and see a movie - but in the end, I've just taken off some hair. Nothing drastic, to be sure. Although Carmine seemed quite pleased with his work, and after the kind man talked me up and complimented me profusely, I realized something about myself: I am weak.

The already exorbitantly priced haircut (mind you not nearly $200) got more expensive when I decided to be a generous tipper to kind old Carmine. I usually make an effort to over tip, often to compensate for what I assume is bad mental math on my part and ensure that I'm not a rude tipper, but mostly because I'm weak. There's a soft spot in my heart for people's income. I guess I'd like money not to be a big factor in anyone's life. So if I can tip a little more and help them out, or even make them a little happier - so be it. Ah the do gooder in me - see also: my current occupation - demonstrating my true weakness for the income inequalities in society. So weak that I didn't do much to protect my own income level. Much like Carmine's cut, I'm feeling all I'm accomplishing at my job is going home at the end of the day with a little less of myself, and less cash. I like my weakness, to an extent. I think everyone should tip as generously as they can (which I should also reevaluate for myself, again see: my current job), and that we should help each other out. However, I'm also a firm believer in helping people help themselves over just handouts, and here I am - not helping myself out of my current situation.

I did help myself to that quality haircut and an excessively relaxing weekend. Hopefully soon I'll be able to help myself to a new TV, as the current one was busted in a little steam/condensation incident, and while I'm at it, I'll just throw in a new job. Thanks go out to Carmine - Brooklyn born and raised, and the beautiful weather on Saturday!

"today, well lived, makes every yesterday a memory of happiness and every tomorrow a vision of hope. look well, therefore, to this day" (apparently an ancient Sanskrit proverb - also happens to be printed on a card that sits in a frame next to my bed and above a sketch of the brooklyn bridge and the NYC skyline.)
ps - I know you're out there - comment! this would be more interesting for me as a DIAlogue not a MONOlouge. Maybe I'll have to come up with more scandalous or exciting things to get a little rage from the folks out there. Is Carmine not good enough for you ?

Vapidly disjointed

I spend a lot of my time trying to avoid talking about politics and reading about them instead. As a result, or perhaps just naturally, I end up thinking about politics a lot. Staying inside because I'm having a hard time adjusting to this colder weather hasn't helped the situation. The majority of my day is spent reading- reading at work to write reports or newsletters, reading the times online over lunch, reading random websites to find a place for dinner, a new job, or a salon that doesn't cost $200 for a haircut. When I come home from work, I return to the job search or reading to catch up with friends at sites similar to this one, and then cozy up with a mediocre periodical or random book. (so far I've read Capote's Breakfast at Tiffany's, Kafaka's Metamorphosis, and due to a book club Wicked; the only magazine worthy of mention, The Economist - my favorite)

New York magazine was a new purchase for me today. I participated in the exit poll, in which they surveyed 100 New Yorkers - I was one of them! Considering this is the most honest I've been with someone about my political views, I figured I'd better buy it.Normally, I don't like to talk about politics because it's much more interesting to observe, even though I often have lots to interject, but in the polls case, I respected the craft. Other problem is, I'm a political schizo, and working in a non-profit I'm influenced by liberal views... while visiting Salt Lake ... you get the picture.

On the way home I picked up a Village Voice from a stand on the street to compensate for the lack of interesting material in a magazine unworthy of its namesake. There's a reason I don't regularly buy New York magazine - it's also written for people who have not just the $3.99 cover price, but a whole lot more. Not my favorite New York.

I just got my most interesting periodical I receive by mail, Political Science and Politics. Sounds like a page turner, doesn't it? The American Political Science Association thinks so, and as a member, I guess I must too. The edition came out before the election - out of 9 election prediction studies, most were quite accurate - percentage of the vote and all, just one group went for Kerry. Either way it doesn't seem that those predictions were well publicized outside of this happy little journal, or at least to the optimistic New York community and heavy Kerry donors. Most of New York seems to feel singled out and alienated by the rest of America because of Bush's win. There's talk amongst some of potentially leaving, utter disgust amongst others - but any way you look at it, our political system and our basic liberties (hopefully) remain, our day to day lives are the same no matter the election outcome.

Some poli sci followers believe Thomas Jefferson intended for government to change drastically with every generation, or for at least each generation to consciously work for and bring about their new agenda. He felt it should be built into the framework in someway, for a bloodless revolution - he called it - to take place every 20 years or so. Sure, people may be up in arms or celebrating at the moment, but for the most part, we'll continue to live our lives. We lack true appreciation of the freedoms of our nation. We lack conviction and insight, we lack the passion and cohesion needed to make Jefferson's vision a reality. Bush and Kerry may be from differnt political parties, but they're still following the same politics. Surely, in his time it would have been difficult for him to imagine a nation filled with bystanders. On the sidelines the next generation remains - on the sidelines I remain. Silent and motionless - except for maybe that exit poll. I'll leave it at Burke- "A cheap, bloodless reformation, a guiltless liberty, appear flat and vapid to their taste." Happy Veteran's Day.

Current favorite album: Air, Talkie Walkie (excellent soundtrack to life)

Song I liked hearing today (aka Song of the day): So says I, the Shins

Fun Link: Mr. Picassohead

More rock and less roll

"brevity is the soul of wit" said Shakespeare. According to the previous posts, I'm not especially witty. The missing days, however, might best be filled in by saying silence speaks volumes. Since I last left off, fun has transpired, including a good Halloween, an election has passed (no comment currently), I have been back to Salt Lake and in the midst I have managed to create enough condensation in my living room to leave puddles on the floor and ruin the TV.

Menial stuff and trivial observations aside, the fulfilling meat of life is lacking here. Contemplations and research motivated by the new and different environment of New York combined with unabashed amounts of fun have not been enough to compensate for the mediocre job situation. I have been freely optimistic and careful, until now. At which point, I must admit something has to change - I need to not only realize what the light is at the end of my tunnel or actually get myself in the right tunnel. Cliches, a tragedy greater than Will's, yet what he has mostly become. Clearly, time for bed.